got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
