i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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