so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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