Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
