I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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