Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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