Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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