all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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