If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
