is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
