Jerry, you need to find god
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
