a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just invented taco cereal.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
