When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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