don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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