I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
