I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
