Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
