i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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