All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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