Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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