do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
