Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
