I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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