Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
