I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
