so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize