So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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