I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My feet surprised me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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