I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
