What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
