I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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