you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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