Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
