I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
