Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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