Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize