party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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