I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your cock deserves a montage
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
