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My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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