i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
