I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
