She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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