Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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