Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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