I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
