Sorry, I don't speak sober.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
