She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We are two peas in an std pod
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
