Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Less talking, more tequila
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
