Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
