His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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