What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
