He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
