Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
