He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
