If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
