I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
